


to deserve a spring

by themajorarcana



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Gen, some own characters but they are there for The Plot, two ninjas falling in love - spoilers: they are both awkward abt it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:09:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themajorarcana/pseuds/themajorarcana
Summary: "For a moment, neither of them speak. Silence, like a noose, hangs between them. Kakashi's stare is heavy and Sakura finds herself thinking, strangely, of a fist unclenching, letting go."Or, what to do with a longing that undoes us?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mess and I am so sorry. Gift for two beautiful and wonderful people who inspired me. I also listened to this song a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1a1UoljLWrY

i.

When Kakashi Hatake sees Sakura Haruno again after years of space and silence, she is five inches taller and almost three times as strong. He has time to appreciate and learn this first-handedly the moment Sakura breaks his nose in the first ten minutes of their fight. 

Then it takes her and Naruto half a day to solve the bell test, which they do so, gloriously. 

He feels a pride that lessens the pain.

"Surprised?" laughs Naruto, clutching his cracked ribs. He fell from at least a dozen of trees. 

"Relieved" he says, sitting down. He touches his nose and it is no surprise that the mask is wet with blood. And though he winces, he is also smiling. "Finally  _you_  can teach me something too."

There is a touch then, on his right shoulder, light as a feather. 

It's Sakura and she points at his face. 

"Let me see."

There is a pause in which Kakashi stares at the towering girl before him, all determined. 

"I think you just want to have a peek." His voice is nonchalant, but Sakura sees that he has a glint in his eyes: he is amused. She rolls her eyes.

"It's broken isn't it?"

"I suspect, yeah." She smiles then, all teeth and warmth. "Please don’t hit me from a different angle, Sakura. This nose is not worth it."

"Why bother when I'm better at healing?"

A truth universally acknowledged. 

He lets her pull down the mask as much as she wishes.

She does not peek.

 

ii.

They have their first S-mission together a year before Sakura is appointed Chief Medical Officer at the record age of twenty. 

Their task is delicate: they are to escort the four year old daughter of Shibuki - head of Taki - from Konoha back to home, the village near the waterfalls. It is only delicate because assassination attempts are sure to come, and Kyo, the daughter, cannot stop talking.

"The moment we get back " Sakura says when they finally manage to lull Kyo asleep on the third night.  "I am going to sleep for a week." 

Kakashi thinks of his plants, all dying. 

"Hm."

"Are you seriously judging me." her face deadpans when she sees his expression. "And here I was, thinking you are the king of napping the day away."

"I mean yes. But I do prefer cleaning my flat as stress relief."

For one long moment, they look at each other. The fire is long quenched; they are sitting in the dark while Kyo snores in the sole tent they brought.

Then Sakura starts to laugh and cannot seem to stop.

"Wait" she says after a long while. "You are serious."

He holds his hands up.

"I never lie."

Sakura sticks her tongue out.

"Liar."

A hero and a murderer has many other names. Kakashi knows this from experience. Tsunade calls him one of the greatest shinobi genius of the century and a despicable pervert (usually in the same sentence or breath). His apprentices call him weird (and very lazy). Obito used to call him a showoff. Very few people call him a friend. 

Gai is one of them. Naruto is another.

Sakura, he thinks as she stops laughing and begins to prepare a meal, is also a friend.

 

iii.

They almost make it eventless.

Except, just at three miles out of Taki, next to the Terendo fall, the ambush squad finds them. 

It is Sakura who hears it first, the snap of a branch, the inaudible whisper, buried under Kyo's babbling.

She manages to hurl the child away, along with Kakashi (who is heavier than expected), but she gets a fucking lance in her thighs in the process so she decides, okay, it's a draw.

"Run!" she shouts when Kakashi takes a step towards her. She can see the gates of the village in the distance, throbbing with the promise of shelter. "Mission is first and I can heal myself!"

He is too stubborn and so of course he stays. Kills the one who threw the javelin almost immediately. 

"Kyo" he instructs as he shifts his headband out of the way. "Stay here with Miss Sakura, please."

He disappears.

The girl runs to her, terrified.

"Hey" she smiles, trying to act like it's but a scratch. Resists the urge to cringe as she gouges the weapon from her leg. "See - not poisoned."

Before she can tend to her own wound though, and pick her up, two men appear from the water next to them. 

She draws the girl under her with her right while hurling the bloody lance with her left. There is enough power in it to hit both the attackers, but not enough aim to injure anything crucial.

The taller one laughs.

"We just want the girl missy. And - " they both look at her leg, oozing its red liquid. " seems like you are done playing the men's game."

"Thanks for the advice, Men-game." Sakura snarls. "I'd rather win this."

She has to but touch the soil under them, soft and mushy from the current nearby and it opens up, like a melody. The men's mouth are opened in surprise as they sink below the ground. 

"Good one" Kakashi cheers from behind. They turn, and she notes how both his eyes - the saringan is active and neonbright in the setting sun -  are still somber. 

They are out in an open field and they should absolutely not be. 

Sakura notes he lost his vest, but otherwise, he seems unharmed. She lets out a breath she did not know she was holding.

"Mr. Scarecrow - " 

Kyo is crying real tears. 

He crouches and lets Kyo climb up in his arms. It's like he reads her mind and she is grateful for the time he presents her. 

Sakura starts to heal the muscles and the tendons in her thighs - recites to remember:  _vastus lateralis, please let us do good, vastus medialis, let us do no more harm than necessary._

There is an unearthly shriek coming from behind them and they see a single man tearing his chest open with a blade the size of Kyo. Sakura hobbles up, leg half-mended, blade readied.

An act of sacrifice. Summoning.

"Fuck" Kakashi says and Sakura blood goes cold. 

Kyo is lit on fire. 

The ambush squad does not even bother to attack them anymore. Their task is done. 

The man falls too, most probably dead.

Kakashi swears one more time. Lifts the child up, who screams in agony, then simply loses consciousness.

"Sakura" he begins and she snaps out of her fearful trance.

_Steel yourself, girl_ \- she hears Tsunade in her head, now a part of her inner mind -  _you are capable of anything as long you will it._

"In the water" Sakura orders, unnaturally calm.

She forgets about her wound entirely.

 

iv.

There is advantage of being one of the tallest people  in five kages. Kakashi is so lanky that it takes a full three minute until the water finally licks his waist. 

Sakura has a hard time positioning herself, so she asks him to turn towards the shore so she can stand on a higher ground and actually move her arms above water. 

The procedure is relatively simple. 

_Steel yourself. Remember._

Sakura sees the textbook before her; hears the Medical Instructor's careful voice in her ears as they step, as they sink into the water. It is freezing, but the adrenaline, ironically, makes her sweat. 

In case of a burn the very first thing to do is to stop the burning process in order to prevent the tissues from dissolving further. A fire is always there to be put out. If the victim is able and conscious, then one should either drop the piece of clothing that caught fire or/and roll around to extinguish the flames. 

If that is out of question - the victim is unconscious or more severely harmed per se - and the burning/burned area is both large and exposed, then the skin needs to be cooled first and after some time - that depends on how much and how severely the skin was exposed to hear - the blisters need to be covered and bandaged with clean and wet cloth. 

Kakashi and Sakura spend one hour and thirty minutes keeping Kyo's body in and her head out of the water. The worst is when she gains consciousness and starts screaming. In the first hour, Sakura uses all of her chakra up to keep her alive.

_Above all_ ,  _do no harm._

Keeping her awake is cruelty.

 

v.

The last thirty of the minutes depend solely on luck and perseverance. 

She inspects Kyo's skin with extreme care. The skin has started blistering - a sign of the body recleansing itself. She will live. The question that now remains is how much scarring this girl of four has to live with.

Sakura bits her tongue. Licks her lips and shivers despite herself. 

Kakashi's hands too, despite being the most disciplined hands she knows, are trembling. Whether from fatigue or the cold or the adrenaline wearing off, she can only guess that it is the mixture of all three. 

"We do not have clean bandages." he comments. His voice is calm.

Sakura considers their options. 

"Kakashi." she says finally; very carefully. "One of us has to alert the father and bring backup. She is out of fatal danger. But we cannot risk infection. We cannot risk moving her too much or too quickly. After all - " Sakura touches his shoulders. "she _is_  very small."

Kakashi knows this means either him leaving her all alone, or her leaving him all alone with an injured child. He feels an immense, all-consuming dread at the thought of leaving Sakura alone in here. It's an old, familiar feeling. 

He clenches his teeth together. Now his hands tremble for a completely different matter.

"You go. I stay." Sakura's eyes widen. "Be quick."

_Be safe_ , it is what he means to say; what he almost says, but her hands leave his shoulder and the water already feels cooler.

 

vi.

They complete the mission. Shibuki, Kyo's father, weeps upon seeing her daughter and tears at his hair, his clothes. 

Kakashi and Sakura stand in the corner in the narrow corridors of the medical hut. They are straight and silent as arrows strung up - being mere spectators, mere shielding materials in the complex net of such rivalries. 

Kyo survives. There is a giant scar that will remain, just below her neck, uglying her torso. 

It is but a cicatrice, they say. No true damage. An aesthetic slip, rather.

 

vii.

They eat, they sleep and leave at first light the next day.

As soon as they step through the gate that guards the city, Kakashi stops and turns to face her. 

Sakura opens her mouth to ask him -  _what now?_ \-  but she realizes she has begun to cry. Hot tears are already carving their ways through the creases of her face. 

He hesitates - this she can feel through the sorrow; because his hand lingers at her shoulder. 

So she simply grabs it, painfully aware of her desperation. His palm is dry and warm and her fingers cannot seem to clasp the vast map of his hand. Then presses that same hand onto her face, and that is when Kakashi envelopes her, his body also warm and real and constant.

 

viii.

When she is thirteen and curious, Sakura hauls Ino to the Central Archives of Konoha and goes through every picture of Kakashi Hatake in hopes of finding out how he looks without his mask.

"Argh" Ino spits after two hours of fruitless search. "What a complete weirdo. Who wears a mask at the age of six anyway?"

"He does, apparently." Sakura is disappointed.

They find a picture of his father, to whom the sensei must bear resemblance, but it is a half-truth, more of a mirror than a window. His father, named Sakumo, has a small smile on his face, all dimples. The back of the picture says,  _Konoha's White Fang with son, Kakashi_ (4). 

Next to him, Kakashi is heavy-lidded, dark-eyed, pale. 

The next photo shows him alone in a middle of a ceremony, with the first prize. He is supposed to be eight years old, but he looks much older, somehow worn out.

"He has the saddest eyes I've seen." Ino whispers.

 

ix.

His one visible eye is honest and open. He is saying something she does not hear. It is all in his eyes, the trust she does not feel worthy of. 

That stops her crying.  

She steels herself. 

If he survived and emerged victorious through these violence, so will she.

 

ix.

Just upon entering Konoha, Sakura speaks up for the very first time since they left the falls.

"Also - " It is out of the blue, her voice. Kakashi stops. She has been picking cherries which she decides to save for later. Maybe she will make a pie for her parents as a gift. "You are very skilled with children."

Kakashi steals a cherry from her, ignoring her loud remark - then hangs it on his pouch on his vest. He, too, saves them for later - but must look ridiculous, because Sakura snorts, really, really loudly.

"Charming." he says and she sticks her tongue again. "I deal with children every day, Sakura. And this does not necessarily mean the genins."

"Are you thinking of teaching another team again?"

"Gods no. Just imagine."

Sakura makes a face he cannot translate. 

"What?" he is curious, despite himself.

"You should." she blushes. "Take up another team again, I mean." She takes a deep, deep breath. "Not everyone is a Sasuke Uchiha, you know."

They have never spoken about him. Not time, but  _deepdeep_ shame is what stopped him.

And then he realizes, here, at the gates of Konoha, at the age of thirty-three, supposedly wise but a fool, that Sakura Haruno is braver than he or Sasuke will ever dream to be.

She smiles a bit, then waves, wanting to race to the gates, her hair reflecting sunlight and he is also very sure that he could never forgive himself for underestimating her.

 

x. 

They don't see each other for a while after. Kakashi is sent on an A-Mission two days later, then Sakura has to leave to Suna on Tsunade's direct wishes.

Someone has to prepare the medical units for the Chuunin exams and oversee some new medical facilities and sort out the staff and basically set up a new kind of health care system in that kage after all. And who else, if not Sakura? 

He takes on a new team at the next possible opportunity. Sakura is the first to know - Kakashi makes sure of it.

She sends an alarm clock a week later, with a note full of grainy bits of sand; saying;

" _You will need this. (Attention! Very loud!)_ "

Her handwriting is elegant, full of loops and space: free. 

Something moves in his chest that he cannot ( _fears to_ ) name.

He tries to write back, and hates how formal and stiff he sounds.

" _Thank you. See you soon_."

He adds an exclamation point to the first, then to the second sentence. Tries to write only one sentence. Then decides to write about his team. Turns out to be a novel. He could,  _he wants to_ tell her everything.

Throws all the drafts in the bin after an hour of agonizing overthinking. 

In the end, he sends a picture of his new team, and writes a simple  _Thank you!_  in the back of it.

"Great!" he tells to no one particular. To the new plant in the window.

Obito's voice is but a whisper in his mind.

"You. Are. So. Fucked."

 

xi.

They meet approximately three hours after all the teams from Konoha set up their camps in the outskirts of Suna.

Umma has broken her right leg. Again. Kurenai frowns when she sees Kakashi running with his students in his arms. Iruka is positively fuming.

"Gods damn it all, Hatake" the younger man shouts as they - Kakashi with Umma in his arms, Koshi and Tassun following -  run past. "Every bone has an expiration date!"

Suna burns around them, the buildings seemingly melting in the heat. Umma's face is covered with tears and sweat; she is hiding her face in his shoulders, but he can still feel her pain.

"I know" he says soothingly, forcing an adult-like authority and sureness in his voice he is not sure he will ever have. He sees Naruto talking to Gaara. 

"Wow, Sensei, not again!" he exclaims. "Sakura is going insane with the workload. She is gonna kill you." 

Kakashi wants to scream. 

"Just point me to the med tent, will you?"

Gaara points to a tent wearing a red cross. Clever. 

"Who is going to kill you, Kakashi sensei?" chirps in Koshi as they run forward. He reminds Kakashi of an apathetic  version of Naruto. 

"Does this mean we don't have to take the exams?" shouts Tassun from his left. He makes a note to talk about respect and attitude at the next training day. Honestly.

By the time they reach the medical tent, all three of them are out of breath. Kakashi only starts to sweat when Koshi runs in to find Sakura.

The heat has  _nothing_ to do with it.

 

xii.

Here, far from the drone and frenzy of the chunin exams, is peace. And maybe because Sakura Haruno is tired from patching every nin in the country at least once a day, she does not kill him. She even smiles. 

Points at the nearest table and says,

"Place her here, please."

The tent is orange from the setting sun, and it is an almost-sin how the light chooses to travel and move across her face as she mends the bones and soothes Umma's pain away. Two other men are there to assist and jump as soon as Doctor Haruno opens her mouth.

He was never one to idolize or beautify anything. Kakashi and the reality of grief has grown up together a long ago, until grief and him became one. This does not leave much space for euphemisms. 

Yet he looks at Sakura now - and is not untouched by what he sees. Here, her brows knitted in attention, her movements controlled and contorted in their focus - he sees her as she is: a fort of devotion. This tender tenacity, he muses as she very gently touches Umma's ankles to test the success, is what made her a healer. This kind of devotion made her strong. 

Moving to the other side of the operating table, Sakura now shows her back to them. Her hair is all pinned up, her face flushed, her neck all tanned from living and walking around in the desert and Kakashi sees that  _therethere,_  at the nape of her sweat-beaded neck, her hair is damp, a darker shade of magenta. His heart falters at the sight. 

It knocks the air out of him, this sudden, this  _urgent_ longing for her. Suddenly, he feels greedy for the weight of Sakura's gaze and Sakura's body. Imagines how her fingers would feel on the skin under his clothes. Whether the skin of her would feel soft or rough under his hands. 

_Stop_ , he says to himself. In the corner of his mind,  Obito is laughing. Rin is shaking her head. 

_How low can I sink_ , he wonders, while trying to temper this want,  _how selfish can I be_.

Sakura straightens, her spine does a lazy curve, all lovely. He fails to look away.   
"All done!" Umma is looking at her leg now, not quite believing what she is seeing and feeling. "Bit more careful next time."

Umma smiles and waves.  Sakura smiles at him again, inviting him closer. 

Kakashi waves back, trying to remain distant; wanting to forget that outside this tent there is an arena of students dying to fight; and that outside this village there is a war to wage. 

And no place for him to feel what he feels for Sakura and her smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao @ me thinking i can write only 2 chapters abt these two. clearly, this is gonna be a trilogy.
> 
> UPDATE: I fixed the typos, thanks for the patience!

**title** : [to deserve a spring ](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F11474520%2Fchapters%2F25730214&t=YmMzZDQyYjhmOTUyYzEzNTQyMDQ5NjZjMzlhYWY5MTFlOGJmOTkxYixlMDN3NktuTQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AnxY1eRuCX1M_XjoGzNsngQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fgrecoism.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F162876271867%2Ftitle-to-deserve-a-spring-%C2%BD-pairing-kakashi&m=1)(2/3)  
**pairing** : Kakashi Hatake / Sakura Haruno   
**rating** : M  
**summary** :  _“For a moment, neither of them speak. Silence, like a noose, hangs between them. Kakashi's stare is heavy and Sakura finds herself thinking, strangely, of a fist unclenching, letting go.”_

* * *

 

“Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.  
These, our bodies, possessed by light.  
Tell me we'll never get used to it.” 

 

xiii.

Kakashi dreams of Rin during these desert nights. She is clothed in black and white as she was in her death, as if celebrating the occasion. His hand is stuck through her heart. The blood and the tears hot on his face. She is dying and he can only watch. A twenty year old history.

When he tries to untangle himself from her, their movements mingle and he feels panic and bile rising from his stomach to his mouth.

The setting is also all wrong, he notes: there is no forest surrounding them, but they are standing hip-deep in translucent water. When he looks back, Sakura has taken Rin's place and she very gently leads his hands to her heart. 

"Here," she says, even though Kakashi wants to warn her that nothing good ever came from people entrusting their hearts to him. Even though the kindest he does with this piece of organ is losing it. 

"Here." Now she places her hands to his chest and dips her head closer to his. Whispers;  "It's broken,  _isn't it_?"

He never answers. Just pushes his hands into her chest. Sakura's face freezes. She dies without so much of a sound.

 

xiv.

"This year is not so exciting, isn't it?" Naruto yawns. He is stirring some salt in his bowl of ramen. Desert mornings are cold, so he and Sakura are wearing blankets above their uniforms. 

"Exciting as in Orochimaru trying to decimate half the group and leaving his chosen one with an ugly ass tattoo?" Sakura grimaces in her tea. "Thanks, I'd rather pass."

For Kakashi, the whole of this period feels like a dream, a utopia. An illusion. Outside the canteen, the dunes have a soft, violet glow in the morning. The white of her well-creased medical coat looks like a halo. 

"You look like a man who stayed up cleaning the floors all night." 

Kakashi sighs.

Naruto's eyes dance between them.

"Is this a metaphor for something disgusting?"

"I wish." he puts some honey in his milk, ignoring Naruto's horrified stare. He does not say,  _Sakura, I imagined you dying on me in all the ways I witnessed death._

It is more about his past than her abilities. He just needs to let this fact sink into his subconscious. 

"I am betting on your team today." Naruto says. "But I won't be there. Gaara wants to talk to me about a mission.” A pause. “ We will head to the Western lands."

"What." Sakura's eyebrows make the same shift as his. "Naruto, there is nothing there. Well, poisonous swamps, I reckon. But nothing of value."

Kakashi tries to think with Gaara's mind - a friend of Naruto. What can they gain from this? He locks at the clock on the wall behind the counters and knows he is more than an hour late to the meeting with his team.

"Okay" his voice is amicable enough. Sakura shots her an omnipotent glance as he scrambles himself up. "See you later, then."

 

xv.

"Wait!"

Sakura is running after after him. Her smell, antiseptic and almonds, outpaces her presence.

"You know something about this?" she asks. 

He folds his arms. 

"No."

"But you are guessing." Her voice is insistent. Happy. It makes him smile a smile that touches his eyes. 

"Gaara wants Naruto to forget a little bit about situations at home."

She chews on her lips.

"You don't think it will help him." he states, and she looks up. Her smile is now sad and she shrugs her shoulders. Trails off. Hands him a bottle, leather-clad.

"Here have some iced tea. Against dehydration." She is hesitating, wondering how to tell what she thinks. Kakashi would accept anything. "Naruto cannot uncast his cares. As long as he breathes he will believe Sasuke to be good."

Kakashi accepts the water, but his fingers slide to her wrist, stopping her. 

_Intimate_ , his head rings, but he makes the move to have her attention. He is greedy for that, above all. 

"Are we so different from Naruto, Sakura?" he asks. And with that they become just two people confessing their fears in front of a common inn.

He knocked on the door of their fears. Now it is her choice to keep it close, or open up. 

"I honestly do not know what I feel." she answers. Kakashi thinks of rarity. Sakura thinks of a knife and how love is handing all your weapons to another.

When she speaks, her voice is barely above a whisper. 

"It scares me how elusive my life becomes when we it comes to him."

He nods and understands. Sakura is a kind of person who likes to see clearly, likes to be aware of other people's and her own feelings completely.

Now, it is his turn to be brave. 

"Will you come to the tournaments today?" his voice is also low. A confession. His soul shakes as she looks at him, really, as someone so holy in this light. He knows the answer already. By protocol, she has to be there.  

It is for reassurance. For her, that she is wanted there by him; and for him, that she will be there, watching and protecting. To see her teeth glint as she smiles.

"Of course." and there, her teeth like pearls, shine. "Anything special to look forward to?"

 

xvi.

She should not have said that, because just before the exams could start at noon, Kurenai appears from nowhere, face ashen and lips set in a narrow line. 

Ignoring the protests of his trio, she murmurs the news into Kakashi's ears alone.

"Envoy from Konoha. Sasuke Uchiha has been spotted in the Valley of the End and is believed to attempt a close attack on the village."

His first thought is not of Naruto, but Sakura. 

"Gaara knows?"

"I told Sakura to tell him the news at once."

His heart misses a beat. 

Standing up, he spots Ino. They lock their eyes together, and when the girl looks away, Kakashi knows that Sakura is  _longlong_  gone.

 

xv.

It takes her a day and the half, with one longer pause to reach the valley where only dead thing dwell. Sasuke is one of them, and as he stands there, the hollow pit of his eyes reflect back nothingness.  _Nothing in, nothing out._  Naruto is lying on the ground, next to a woman she does not know.

"Come back home." Sakura repeats his name for emphasis, and means it. 

"Please." She is ready to retreat and put down all her arms. Ready to hollow her own chest and string herself up if he so much opens his mouth.  

Sakura has killed already, but she is still  _youngyoungyoung_. She thinks; maybe the blood of her heart will erase the vastness of this void from his handsome face.

Sasuke might be thinking the same, for he actually tries to go for her heart, chidori-ready and bright-eyed. It seems that only the intent of the murder brings some color back to his face. Or is it the cold flame of the Hatake technique, reflecting the angles?  

"No- " she wants to say, but has not time at all. 

Another figure blocks the sun from the view and for a moment, Sasuke's face goes slack with surprise. 

When Kakashi speaks, he sounds very, very tired. 

"Sakura."

A mantra.

Then there is another voice, a voice within and above and below a voice. Naruto is rising from his slumber, bringing a demon with him. He screams Sasuke's name with an inhuman desperation.

Behind them all, the boy she thought she loved starts to laugh his terrible,  _dead_ laugh.

 

xvi.

She has never seen him quite that angry before. It is not an unhinged kind of fury, but a silent, bitterhot one. 

"It is not Sasuke who you sought out -" 

The woman whom Sasuke addressed as Karin feels heavy on her back, but her heart is a close second in this race. Far behind them, they hear Naruto scream. Or is that Sasuke again? She honestly cannot tell the difference anymore. 

"And it is not love you feel - "

It feels absurd. He was never one to make a long sermon and yet he cannot stop himself now, as she is nearing twenty, to sound exactly like when they were all younger and lighter. When Sasuke would have spit into the face of whomever tried to backstab their friend. He almost uses the same tone, the fake, the formal, the professional, the reliable one -  _Sakura, it is easier to throw a kunai if you don't hold it so firmly in the first place._

Besides, they should be heading back to shelter now, but the argument catches them in the middle of the forest. She is painfully aware of their loneliness among the woods. No one here can hear them being quite this despondent, quite this hopeless. 

He bows his head so she can see both of his eyes, mismatched and alarmed.   
"You are deluding yourself into some sort of mirage of the past." 

Statement. 

Accusation. 

The air around them trembles, narrows. It is hard to breathe. For a terrible moment, Sakura can see terrible fears in his eyes, next to the anger. 

She does not slap him like he thinks she would. She does not cry like she initially thought. Instead, she chooses to be cruel.

"That makes two of us, then - " and she twists the knife by adding, " _Sensei._ "

 

xvii.

By the time Sakura gets rid of all the poison, Naruto's body falls into a fever. It mimicks, she thinks, their state of mind. Fever means the body is fighting, just like their soul - a natural struggle against their otherwise peaceful nature. 

Resisting the urge to kiss his forehead, she leaves a wet clothes on Naruto's forehead. Karin is tied to the bed, but she is also sleeping, behaving, like Kakashi asked her too. 

They are near Konoha, but home can wait. All can wait now. The world around them is in static.  

When she steps out the tent, she is not surprised to find Kakashi outside, a constant, doubled up in the grass. He stands up when she starts to wash the blood off in the streak nearby. 

For a moment, neither of them speak. Silence, like a noose, hangs between them. Kakashi's stare is heavy and Sakura finds herself thinking, strangely, of a fist unclenching, letting go. 

"That was very stupid." he says, voice gentle. "You could have died out there."

This is him apologizing. She continues to wash herself. She is wearing more than one kind of blood. And yet they are all alive. 

She is silent. He bows his head. His shoulders loosen, more in defeat than ease. It frightens Sakura how easily she reads him right now. Reads him nowadays.

_Is it because he has saved me so many a times_ ; she asks herself and fights the dried speckles under her nails.  _Is it because we share a guilt?_

"You were never going to kill him." 

Amazing, how serene he sounds when he should be livid with her. Oh, she thinks. The blood is dissolving, at last.  _It is because he can read me just as easily._

The shinobi blood in her flares. Reading into another's soul is always a weapon. But what she feels is not danger.

"I thought" her voice is strong. "That he can be reasoned with."

He does not answer. At the end of the day, he is a man of few words. Like Sasuke. And for the first time in a long time, Sakura has to bit her tongue to prevent herself from crying.  _No._

Comparing Sasuke with Kakashi feels like blasphemy. The boy's silence always came from arrogance and anger. 

This man before him is quiet by choice and experience. There are few who understand how listening is so alike to attention and attention is prayer that unfolds the delicate creases of one's inner map. Kakashi is like that, and Sakura is suddenly overcome with such a tenderness that her throat closes up again.

"Thank you" she says and he seems shocked. "For coming after me." 

To anyone else, the flash in his gray eyes would be a trick of the moonlight, but Sakura catches his reaction. 

She hesitates, wanting to say;  _You are right. I think I confused love with an idea_  - or -  _Love is not a person killing you, right? Haha!_ \- or better, clearer -  _I am so, so, so sorry for hurting you with my words._

She cannot name what she feels for Kakashi, whose eyes are weary and whose hands knew blood and guts before she was born. He has lost and lost and lost so very much all while he killed and killed and killed since he was eleven. He is close, this killer, but it is not danger she feels, but something warm, like safeness, whenever he is near her.

Moonlight colors his tall and lean figure silver, and Sakura tells herself she does not love him. He stares at her, here at the valley that has no end; the valley that is the end of everything. Of something. That automatically means something must be beginning too.

Kakashi stands and looks at her like one does at something rare and precious, and Sakura does not love him.

(Except she does.)

(So, so much.)

 

xviii.

Naruto is gone by the morning. 

They return, the two of them, and Karin, alone yet together. She picks apples this time, shares with him. He is humming something and she wonders just how very far a shinobi must go to keep his sanity intact. Karin is wary of their unity that forms a shield and so she remains silent.  

They are the ones who are left behind.

Left together.

 

xix.

They fall into some kind of ritual after The Incident.

She goes to his flat in the morning before her shift starts. Tries to arrive as soon the alarm clock goes off, which only goes off when she is there to set it. He never wakes up when she jaunts all around his place and Sakura smiles at that. At the implication.

"Breakfast!" She tickles the sole of his feet which always loll out from the covers. The bed seems a bit small for him. She laughs when he jumps and grunts. "Come on!"

Having a disastrous history with cooking, she is starting to learn and try cooking simple meals and finds out that being a medical nin helps her being a cook immensely. 

It is all about control and ingredients and timing, something Sakura is used to now - so she shares porridge or her miso soup or the natto by wrapping it up for him. She leaves milk with honey on his table as he gets ready. Enjoys listening to his humming in the shower. 

There are also things they do not talk about. Like her turning away as he wakes up - she respects him still wanting to wear a mask on these occasions. Or how Kakashi's left eye is unable to focus in the mornings, and how she sees him having a blind spot as he staggers out from the bed, a little too wildly, a little too blindly. The sharingan, which is as much a blessing as it is a curse, is eating his left vision away. Sakura sees the picture of Obito and Rin close to the bed, his heart, and so she remains silent. He never shows, but grief sits inside him, is written in him. To mention them is to recarve those names in him with fire, slowly.   

Yet when they have time they are faithful to these rituals, yes. Kakashi takes his team to the tracks just a minute from the medical center. Sometimes, when the heavens think him worthy, she catches Sakura's coral-regal haircrown in the window, looking out with an inscrutable expression. Umma, who adores her, notices her too and screams. Koshi is shy around her - he must have a crush.

 

xx.

One day, Ino is there with Sakura, at lunch.

"Wow" Tassun whistles, Koshi and Kakashi shushes him at the same time. Umma runs to Sakura, hugging her. 

From there, it is downhill. 

Ino sits across him the entire time, fixing him with a glare she must have learnt from Tsunade. Kakashi reciprocates, but fails to win when he senses Tassun trying to pour an entire bowl of sugar in Umma's tea. He stops it in time.

Tassun pouts. 

"See," Kakashi says. "You are spoiling them, Sakura. They expect everything or nothing now. What a tragedy."

She just laughs. 

"Oh, cut it out. You just want some sugar too."

"I want justice." he says. Sakura kicks his leg under the table. If Ino's eyes could kill, he would be even deader than dead by now.

"Don't be a child."

A cat appears at the table, looking too cool to care. It is a sign Sakura has to leave. The children are whining. Joy of joys. 

He scratches his head.

"Whoever reaches the oldest tree of Konoha first does not have to do pushups with me today!"

"Oldest tr-" Koshi begins. "Wait up, what?!" 

Thus Ino and him remain alone. The thirty seconds they share in absolute silence feels like an eternity. Finally, she opens her mouth.

"She cries and you die."

"Funny how you had not considered this when she ran away to the Valley. I am-"

"A mess." she finished. "Yes. That is no excuse."

Another ten seconds. He has always known Ino to be loyal and reliable. 

"What will you do?"

He could make promises. Say what he feels. But he remains honest and simple, because that is what he is.

"I don't know." Ino's face bends. "Yet." And adds, very quietly. "I may not do anything at all."

He does not know whether it was Ino who taught Sakura The Art of Eyeroll, or the other way around, because the way she rolls her eyes now is pretty magnificent. 

"Then you are an idiot. Which I suspected. But you are an idiot she is in love with."

And she leaves him there. Like it is nothing. Like it is not an epiphany.

 

xxi.

After training and successfully exhausting all three children and himself on that day, he does not go home. Knows that her name is now written there, all over, from the way the chair is placed to the way one of his book is wide open, scribbled and appreciated. It is written on the fridge, which contains her cooking. On the plant, finally surviving. The smell near the door and the windows - all, all her.

He tells Gai first, that night, what he himself has dreaded to confess to himself for months.

"I am in love with Sakura." His fifth glass of shochu is on the way. Gai's eyes widen, his hand holding his own beverage freezes. He decides to repeat, just in case his rival-friend think he just hallucinated the confession in a drunken frenzy. "I am in love with her. Sakura."

What he does not say, because Gai simply knows, is that he is in love with her but he  _should_  not - for he is a graveyard: a carrier of dead things. He should not, because he is fourteen year her senior, half blind in the mornings already, and totally blinded by her presence. In love with her but he is sure this love of his is going to put her in the graveyard.

He feels sick.

"I was born with gray hair." he hiccups, aware that Gai is still in trance. It is okay. He is too. He swears a bit, before continuing. "Does that mean I was never young, Gai? I can't remember being young. I can't see if I'm graying."

He swears again.

What he does not say, again, because Gai probably sees, is that just after Suna, he has discovered, on accident, that his scar now cuts through some crow's feet, whisperwrinkles on his eyelids as well.

"I am not strong enough for this." 

The drink arrives and he nurses it a bit. 

When Gai finally speaks, he has already downed the drink, and Gai, blessblessbless him, fastens both his hands on his shoulders, ordering him to listen and pay attention.

"Kakashi" his voice is deep and awfully sober for someone inhaling sake for the last three hours. "From what I hear, she is strong enough for ten. So I am almost absolutely certain she would be able to carry you throughout your whole life."

True. 

"Besides. She has a true heart. You have a true heart. You both care. What else is there?"

He closes his eyes. 

_Quit whining for your Scarecrow ass,_  Obito says in his head.  _It is not the looks or the personality. Rin loved you, despite you being crazy._

This just makes him incredibly sad for some reasons. 

"The war." he answers. 

Gai looks away.

He attempts to interrogate Obito as he stands to walk, or rather scramble home. 

_Answer me_ , he is stumbling a bit, but refuses to fall,  _something you know about best._  

_What to do with a longing that can now destroy us?_

Obito abstains from answering.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't believe I finished this. Lot of drama, even more angst, some fluff, uhm, sexytimes. Enjoy!

**** Let us go forth together to the spring:   
Love must be this, if it be anything.

 

xxii.

Kakashi awakes to the sound of his regrets in a form of a headache the size of Konoha, the smell of tea and eggs, and Sakura's voice. He dares not open his eyes yet, so instead, he opens his mouth.

"Yo" he wants to say, but it comes out as "Ugh". The tongue in his mouth feels dry and heavy, as if he had swallowed sand. 

It is when he sits up that he realizes he has been sleeping on the floor, fully clothed, using the carpet as a blanket. 

The left rim of his vision is a blur, a window on rainy days, with the slight difference of feeling like it is on fire. The dead skin beneath his scar is pulsing.

There is a stench in the air.

"Good morning." greets Sakura, whom he still cannot see. Not even a patch of pink. 

"Where are you?" he asks, and touches his own face, alarmed. 

"Your mask is on" the voice says, and finally, Sakura's face glide into his world, from behind him. The cup of tea she places on his old, white table is steaming, the eggs are scrambled. "You smell like distillery and dogpiss."

"My aesthetic." he groans. She laughs, but not unkindly. 

"Want me to carry you to the table?"

"I think I completely razed my reputation as it is, so why not."

As she helps him up, he notices that Sakura has her flak jacket on, and that her equipment await her next to the door.

"Is this how you usually deal with hospital bureaucracy?" Standing up is especially hard now. The room is a vertigo, but her grip on his arm is gentle steel. 

Her eyes follow his. She makes a brushing movement, as if trying to cast aside the question.

"I have Saturdays off. Besides, "and her voice is a little too light now. "One of the med nins in Neji's team has fallen ill. Shikamaru asked me to step in. Just this once. I told Tsunade and she consented."

The table and chair are finally in his reach, but he refuses to sit down now. And while Sakura is still holding his right hand, his left grabs the back the chair.

"Neji and Shikamaru are ANBU."

Sakura licks her lips. 

"Yes." her voice is soft.

The realization dawns.

"No." Kakashi says. Suddenly, the room is too bright and sharp, just when the sharingan is alive. Fear makes him alert.

"They asked me  _nicely._ "

"Refuse it  _nicely_ , then." he knows he is being stubborn and childish. He has not felt this stupid since he left Naruto follow Sasuke and then he decided on acting like a hermit.

Sakura puts her hands on her hips.  

"I can decide for good what I really want. ANBU is not the end of the world."

"ANBU is death." 

"ANBU is a choice and has the potential of protecting people too." Her eyes are darker now, a shade of dark forest. "You have served in it for years and became wiser for it."

Kakashi wants to say,  _ANBU was an escape for me_. He wants to say,  _you can take a shinobi out of ANBU, but you cannot take ANBU out of that person anymore._

He does not wish this fate for Sakura. But he wants her to make her own choices. 

"The hospital is safer space." he says then, factual and cold.  "I think ANBU a mistake."

"I am not Rin." she says then, suddenly. Her hands are not on her hips anymore, but palms open and against her sides. 

Kakashi goes very still.

The clock on the wall sets a rhythm to the silence. From this close, Kakashi can see that Sakura has some freckles, even though it is winter. She is not angry but sad, rather, and that makes the stubborness in him melt. Sakura is climbing through his fences, he realizes. 

"I know" he says, but the tone of it does not ring quite sincere. " I just -"

He does not know how to finish so instead he sits down and buries his head in his hands. 

Her voice is impossibly calm and very kind.

"It was not your choice or responsibility then. And it is not now. Rin knew what she was doing. And I know what I am doing."

Looking up, Kakashi smiles. But this time, the look in his eyes is bitter, the smile is an old facade, the one that reminds her of olden times. She hated that smile then and resents it still. It is a construction meant to deceive.

"She had known and she died nevertheless." 

"Her. Decision." She is adamant. He blinks. 

"Is this only about the mission?"

She does not miss a beat with the answer.

"Are you ready for another conversation?" 

Checkmate.

He does not answer, so she puts on her heavy shinobi boots, collects her gears and before she slips out of the door says,

"See you."

"Be safe" he mumbles, but she is already gone.

 

 

xxiii.

First snow falls the next day.

For most part of the week, he vacillates between taking up an S-mission himself or simply lie down and wait for eternal rest to claim him.

Instead, he scrubs the floor six times and washes all of his clothes and sharpens and polishes all his weapons, gives them names and puts them away in alphabetical order. He cleans the windows. He waxes every wooden material. He performs rituals to forbid his mind from wandering and wondering where Sakura is.

Winter has its difficulties, so he takes his team on patrols. He takes them mountain climbing, which means while they freeze their ass off, his students clean the icicles off of the Hokages' noses. Umma is careful - Doctor Haruno is not in town and she would not let another medic nin near her.

Snow reminds Kakashi of their very first mission together, when Naruto and Sasuke and Sakura had to face what being a shinobi really means. 

_Shinobi_ , said Zabuza before he died, arms limp and useless against his sides.  _Use or be used. You are no ninjas until you awoke and slept with the smell of blood. Shinobi is not a shadow. It is a weapon._

The memory sends a chill down his spine. 

"Sensei!" Tassun shouts, way above him. "Can't we use some jutsu? Please?"

Kakashi forbids it. He also forbids himself to compare Tassun to Obito. Even though he is prides himself to be a rational man, he is above all a nostalgic men, draped in melancholy.

Rule twenty-five.

_Never show your tears._

But Zabuza was not a melancholic man and still, he wept when Haku died. Naruto was - is - like that, but his tears are a way of giving in. Gives all things their due tears. His tears are invert in nature.

Sakura's tears are efficient: she is an emotional being and knows the worth of that. Her tears are public for a reason. She could easily remember and  recite the rules while crying for Sasuke when she believed him dead. It did not faze her. Thus her greatest power lies in knowing this compassion is no weakness. 

Shedding tears as a lesson.

Kakashi has not cried since they buried Minato, and swore he never would. He used to believe that was something to take pride in - something that makes one mature. He does not remember seeing Sasuke shed a tear either and how much respect he felt for him. Now he looks at Sasuke, all hollow; and regards himself, preserving sanity with total denial (hiding after all, is denial. He is a coward but not a liar) and wonders how could he ever think what they done has been venerable.

He thinks;  _Sakura must be smiling now, with snow in her hair._

He also wonders whether Sakura smiles with the knowledeg about the unmitigated power she possesses, topping them all in her wake.

 

 

xxiv.

News comes on Friday.

The smell of hot chocolate is everywhere, because Umma has spilled half of its content on her vest and the other half on Kakashi's. Then her student stops and points at the opposite direction they are heading.

"Look, it is the crabby man." And truly, Neji is standing at the corner of Konoha's main street with Hinata accompanying him. He seems okay, apart from wearing the ugliest coat in the history of Konoha and the ugliest frown too. 

Hinata spots them, and waves. She has her a coat similar to Neji's, but the snow washes out her features.

Kakashi has to get to the lake, but wants - needs - to know about the mission and especially about Sakura's wellbeing.

They are standing far away. 

Kakashi might have a premature stroke. 

"Umma," he says. "Can you ask crabby man about Sakura? I will run to the lake and bring Koshi back, then we will get lunch."

"Okay." she grimaces. "But we eat at Dango's."

 

 

xxiv.

No lunch on Friday.  And no drink for that matter. Not now or ever.

Because instead of Umma waiting for them and Sakura standing there with her all-teeth smile and snow in her hair saying,  _Are you getting senile in your old age, Hatake? See, here I am. Safe and sound_ ; it is Neji and Hinata and Tsunade who wait for him. 

Kakashi cannot read Tsunade's face, and Neji's frown is absolute and deep, but it is Hinata who makes him freeze. She is the one wearing true grief. She is pale, she, who always blushes. Paleness means sorrow for Hinata and Kakashi's heart sinks, his mind empties. 

Koshi whistles at the sight of the three leaders.

"Go home now, Koshi." he says. The boy looks up at him and he does not joke the order away. He does not even look back as he runs home. 

Neji and Hinata lock eyes as Kakashi reaches them. Tsunade looks up at him and this nearness allows Kakashi to see that Tsunade is livid, her eyes have that legendary flame she has cradled since a very young age. Her passion is a heritage of blood. 

Kakashi hides his hands behind his back to hide the fact he is shivering, trembling.

"Is she dead?" he asks, slowly. He looks at Tsunade but it is Neji who answers, truthful and cruel.

"We don't know."

 

 

xxv.

It happens like this. Sakura Haruno and Shikamaru Nara with the leadership of Neji Hyuuga complete their S-ranked mission in a perfect three-day tempo, in relative ease. Aim of the mission is to secure a perimeter around Kusa and the border of the Land of the Grass so to ensure the safety of an Iwa convoy. There are no complications, the convoy sends hawk they arrived to their destination in peace and by Captain Hyuuga's orders they are to return home. 

However, before leaving, Shikamaru Nara and Sakura Haruno visit Kusa in hopes of obtaining some aliment and some information. This is a tradition among shinobi.  _When time, make sure to use it wisely. Information is weapon in war, the knife of knowledge wounds deeper than any sword._  Neji approves, so he lets them mingle among the villagers.

There is no food, and only one rumour, dominant in the city. Two men, two legendary shinobis, are said to have been spotted around the ruins of Kezuma, a former satellite hideout not so far from Eika's base. One is said to be the lost Uchiha heir. The other one is the fox demon of Konoha. They have been said to be disguised as beggars.

It happens like this: a decision needs to be made. To have a second, greater mission without backup or not to have, not to pry, not to try. 

Shikamaru Nara votes to have. Neji Hyuuga votes to have. Sakura Haruno votes to have. 

Their chakras are full, power and energy not spent. Captain Hyuuga sends a coded telegram home to his cousin, Hinata Hyuuga, who, after transcribing, runs to the Godaime at once with the news. Tsunade Senju does not write anything, because Neji Hyuuga has written:  _Already on route. No contact._

It is Wednesday dawn when they set out for the ruins, hope in their hearts. For Naruto Uzumaki has this power over them all. Neji thinks of his actions, Shikamaru his eyes, Sakura his words. 

They are close. And find them they do. 

It happens like this: The two lost ninjas are fleeting from Iwa. Naruto is unconscious, Sasuke is half dragging, half holding him when the three of them find them. Uchiha mistakes them for foes and manages to wound Captain Hyuuga on both legs, when finally Uchiha recognizes Sakura Haruno and ceases his attack.

The medic ninja then insists on healing both Hyuuga and Uzumaki. Uchiha informs them that he is being hunted down by the Explosion Corps and they have no time. Sakura Haruno begins the healing process despite Uchiha's argument and Neji Hyuuga asks Shikamaru Nara to strategize the fastest escape plan he can come up with. Nara insists on a defensive stance until Uzumaki and the Captain is down. Uchiha and Hyuuga agree.

No sooner Nara draws up a plan where they move onto a higher ground - Kezuma used to be three watchtowers of which one remained intact - the assailants arrive. Twenty-five against five. Naruto is almost healed, but unconscious. Hyuuga cannot get up properly. Shikamaru, Uchiha and Haruno fight for a while and the two of them manage to decimate the opponents. Nara then picks up Captain Hyuuga who orders them to retreat at once. Hyuuga tells Uchiha specifically to get Uzumaki and Haruno both. 

Haruno screams for them to remain together. Just as Hyuuga and Nara disappear in the bushes, backup arrives. Haruno begins to attack them once again and Uchiha Sasuke makes the choice of using Haruno as bait. According to him, he has had to choose, and he choose Naruto Uzumaki, leaving Haruno on the battlefield, leaving to fate and chance and her own wit to survive.

And the four men - one unconscious, one healed, one fuming, one cursed - return to Konoha without the healer.

 

 

xxvi.

Much to Kakashi's dismay, almost all of the villagers are out on the streets, enveloping the main street as Naruto Uzumaki - limping and pale - accompanies Sasuke Uchiha - shackled and back bent - to the shinobi headquarters where judgement awaits him and the mission they completely fucked up. Some villagers spit on the road, some cheer, others are silent as the cenotaph Kakashi has forgotten to visit for a fortnight now. 

Within the council, that acts both as judge and jury, are such people as Tsunade (because she is the Hokage and head of this village), Neji (Captain and Commander of said ANBU mission), Shikamaru (a witness), Hinata (head of the greatest clan presently thriving in Konoha), and Kakashi (former sensei and theoretically unbiased outsider).    

The room is cold in temperature and color. Behind the table the council is seated, Shizune is attempting to strike a fire with matches, but her hands seem to tremble too much and so any chance for some warmth must be postponed.   
Self-inflicted exile and revenge has done no good to Sasuke's complexion. There is a sunken demeanor, a broken angle on his face that transformed him effectively unsightly. Naruto does not live his side. They are both standing.

The first part of the hearing is about Sasuke's tour around the world in order to kill Itachi and overrule the Shinobi countries. Sasuke gives one-word answers. Naruto tries to defend him by quoting Orochimaru and Karin and Sakura and basically half Konoha from the times Sasuke was still a genin prodigy.   
By the time Tsunade and Naruto finish arguing whether Sasuke Uchiha truly committed treason, it is already two in the afternoon. They started the hearings early morning. 

Now comes the hardest part. The events of the last mission. 

"Captain Hyuuga informed me that the ANBU team found you close to the Kezuma ruins." says the Godaime. "Is that correct?"

Sasuke looks at Neji. Clears his throat.

"We were around five miles from the watchtowers."

"Did you hide within the ruins prior to the meeting?"

"Yes.”

"For how much time?"

"Two weeks."

"For what reasons?"

It is a milisecond, but Naruto and Sasuke exchange a look that makes everyone rather uncomfortable. Shinobis at this caliber can read each other easily. 

Tsunade wants none of it.

"Were you injured?"

"We wanted to rest. Naruto had found me in the very West regions of Tsuchi. After convincing me to return, we have been on the road for more than a month."

"Were you resting or hiding, Uchiha?" Tsunade's voice is now sharp.

Sasuke jaws clench and Naruto puts his hand on the shoulder of his friend.

"We knew I was being followed. We tried to outmaneuver them with no success. I killed some of them, but seems like their resources exceeded my calculations."

Shikamaru Nara mutters something. Sounds like "No fucking shit".

Naruto cuts in.

"We guessed an open confrontation would finish it. But I got injured and knew we had to reach Konoha at once."

To everyone's surprise, Hinata raises her hand, demanding the right to query. Her eyes, though milky, have a sharp tip.

"Sasuke" her voice is not timid. "Why did you attack my cousin?"

Neji, next to her, crosses his arms.

"We almost got killed a minute before" Sasuke seems downright bored. "I was sure he was enemy too."

"Sharingan." says Hinata simply. Sasuke reddens. 

A beat of silence. 

"You are going blind" continues Hinata gently. "Don't you?"

Neji's glare competes with Tsunade's.

"It is not relevant." Sasuke says simply. 

"You irresponsible, selfish fuck." This is Shikamaru, voice pleasant despite the profanity. "You endangered all of our lives by giving us orders while we were trying to save your life."

"We were wasting time."

"We tried to fix the damage you have done. What else we could do with two teammate on the ground, one you put there?"

"I told Sakura - "

Neji prevents Sasuke from finishing. 

"Sakura did not follow your orders."

It is useless for Naruto to keep his hands on him, because Sasuke tears himself from his clutch.

"She followed no one's. I told her we cannot waste time and yet she made her choice and started to heal you on the spot."

"Are you saying it is Sakura's fault she got captured?" it is the first time Kakashi speaks up, voice quiet.

Sasuke looks haughty. 

"I am saying she put her energy in the wrong place at the wrong time."

He stands up. Sasuke is stronger than him, stockier even in his weakened state, but Kakashi is taller by almost an inch, all wire and sinew. He moves around the table elegantly, straight like a knife. Faces Uchiha, whom he taught as a mentor and loved as a father a long time ago. 

"Is that why you left her behind?" his voice is still very soft, not showing the horrible fury he feels. 

Sasuke stares at him, expression plain.

"Sakura is just a medic nin."

There was a time when thirteen year old Sasuke, angry and hurt and tied to a tree, spit at him, saying;  _What if I killed the people most important to you? Wouldn’t you care?_ Kakashi smiled then and answered _. Impossible. Everyone I cared about had already died._

And Kakashi Hatake has killed many people in his life, but he has never wanted to kill anyone more clearly than Sasuke Uchiha at that very moment, that cold winter afternoon, in that Konoha council room full of people. Wonders if Sasuke even suspects the possibility of fulfilling an old promise.

And there must be something the way he looks at the boy, the way his voice sounds, because Sasuke is taking a step back and Naruto steps in front of Sasuke. Behind him, each member of the council stand as a precaution.

His voice sounds foreign to him, heavy and dead. 

_Impossible, impossible._  Old - technically young -  Kakashi would just smile.

"Get him out of here."

 

 

xxvii.

After Naruto pushes Sasuke out, Hinata and Shikamaru leave as well - she touches his back, he nods, both an act of sympathy - and Tsunade, Neji and him remain.

"Rescue mission." he says the moment the door closes. 

Neji is looking out the window, on the main square where snow locks the cobblestones deep under dead weight. Tsunade has her head cradled in her hands and sends Shizune for some alcohol before she answers.

"Kakashi" her voice is cautious, warning him to not strain this too much.

"The more we wait the less chance we have." It is a fact. He looks at Neji who still avoids his gaze. Tsunade also refuses to look up. 

"I know this. But Sasuke is right and Sakura is a medic nin and one of the brightest in the village. She is a survivor."

"She might be seriously injured, if not dead."

"If she is half the woman I know - and she is, believe me - she will claw and crawl her way out of anything. I taught her well."

"Then let me volunteer for an individual mission. "His voice now has an impatient tinge in it. "Let me have that at lea-"

"ENOUGH." bellows Tsunade and slams both her hands on the table that creaks under her anger. "Do you think I do not care because I did not kill Uchiha Sasuke outright? That it is a weakness or cruelty or disloyalty that I had not opened his guts with my bare hands the moment he stepped into Konoha again? That I was not aware that he is alive through abandoning her and this has not affected me? Because I do not make a public display of my own doubts and fears of what will happen to my most promising heir? Do you think I am made of stone? That I do not fear for Sakura's life and sanity as wholly as you?"

She crosses the space between them. Neji and Kakashi freeze in terror.

"Let me tell you something, Hatake." She just points at his chest, not even touching, but accusing him in all her physicality. "Sasuke abandoned her first. Then Naruto. Then you.  _You_ abandoned her too. Remember that? Because I do. She came to me, because she had no mentor left, even though you lived in the same. Fucking. Village." She is unrelenting, not even taking a breath. "Two streets across. And you decided to fuck it all, because there is no  _worth_  in helping a girl like Sakura, right? She came to me because you did not find time and energy for her. Not between an Uchiha boy and an Uzumaki prodigy."

She is taking a deep breath now, Tsunade. Then she deflates. Looks exhausted and truly fifty years old.

"Truth is - " she is not even looking at him now. "I think all the guilt you feel fuels this anger excellently against Uchiha. Rotten, the both of you. Worthless."

She turns away from him. Kakashi's legs are stone. He looks at a point, way above all of their heads. In the corner of his eyes, Neji is looking at his boots now, tactful and silent.

Shizune returns and Tsunade does not even need the glass, she gulps the liquor straight from the sake bottle. She still has her back to the both of them when she opens her mouth again.

"I already sent an ambassador to Iwa. They will talk to the Corps and we can have an agreement. This is my hope." 

She wipes her mouth and finally turns to them. Him.

"You should congratulate me on my levelheadedness, Kakashi. I knew I would not be able to count on you now."

Her eyes are full of pity.

 

 

xxviii.

A box arrives four days later. It is addressed to Sasuke Uchiha. The box contains the head of the Konoha envoy. Iwa claims they do not have anyone named Haruno among their prisoners.

A week after the assembly, Sakura's smell is fading from his flat, the plant is withering in the corner. Kakashi sharpens his knives. Shines his shoes. Washes his uniform until his arm goes numb and his fingers weazen under the water. Washes himself carefully, with care. 

Nothing is as satisfying as a clean kill.

 

 

xxix.

Just as Kakashi is checking the content of his bag, there are several footsteps on the stairs, small and swift. The children. 

Umma's voice is hysterical.

"Sensei" she might have wanted to knock, but Koshi and Tassun simply fall through the whole door, bringing its hinges with them. 

"Please" he says, wanting to say, not now. "The mission is in two hours."  
But he is taken aback. All of them are crying. 

"What" he says, voice thick. All three of them. 

"Sak- Sakura" Tassun says. 

Kakashi does not need another word. He jumps through the sad remnants of his door, slides down the stairs in an inhuman speed and runs, flies like a man losing the last of his wits. 

Hinata is the first one who he bumps into. She does not say anything, just points to the quarters on the right, Tsunade's home. Where people go to live or die.

He sees him, Rock Lee, at the door. 

Someone is screaming. 

It is him.

"Is she alive?" he asks, shouts, screams.

 

 

xxx.

"I was at my post when I saw her" Lee's voice is wavering, even now. They have been waiting for Tsunade to come out from the room where she is treating her, Sakura, with the outmost care. "Just a figure, slanting, in the distance. Like a shadow in the snow. Then her hair gave her away, under all that red. I ran to her as fast as I could and she was so relieved upon seeing me."

"Did she say something?" 

His heart is beating so loudly it might deafen the corridor. He is trying to contain himself, but finds that he has lost this ability when it comes to Sakura some time ago. 

Rock Lee shakes his head. 

"She tried to clean the blood off her. She was covered in it." he waits a bit, in shock. "Wouldn't let go of her kunai." 

The door opens and Tsunade steps out of the room.

Now, Kakashi Hatake has not cried since Minato was buried.  _Rule twenty-five_. Shinobi, the shadow, the weapon.  _Impossible, impossible._

But upon hearing that Sakura Haruno lives, he excuses himself, wanders into the room where Sakura sleeps now. Her hair spills like a halo around her battered face an there are scars on her neck. Her knuckles are bloody and raw.   
But she is here now, alive and safe and in peace. So Kakashi simply falls down on his knees, puts his head onto the bed, very close to her fully bandaged right hand, and begins to weep like a child.

 

 

xxxi.

It is at dawn she wakes. Her hand jerks a bit and he is there, sliding to the floor from his seat. 

"Kakashi" she states, in the semi-darkness, voice raspy. Her right hand flies into what feels like an abysmal space between them. He catches it very tenderly.

"Are you in pain?"

Sakura's eyes open up and focus. He wonders whether she has a fever. Her eyes are very bright though the light is scarce. 

"Just very thirsty." A confession. 

Turns out even with her hands healed she cannot really use them. But maybe because she is Sakura and he is Kakashi, they manage. She tilts her head and lets him pour the water into her mouth. Her palms and her wrists have fresh bandages. She must have literally beat her way out of Kezuma. 

It takes a nod of her head for him to know that she had enough. Kakashi wants to let her sleep, but she does not let his hand go and as the sun rises, they look into each other's eyes; seeing the unseen; a different chain of confession.

"I am sorry for doubting you." he says finally. Softly. That is all he wishes for her now and wished for her since a long time.  

"You were afraid" Sakura says. One of her molar teeth on the left is missing. A proof of her tenacity. She is made of sterner stuff than him, because he wants to cry again.

"Terrified."

Nothing in Kakashi's life turned out how he used to imagine it - fate or taken roads denied him in a way that he gave up trying to predict the course of his life altogether - but when Sakura leans to kiss his cheeks, the surprise feels like a blessing, and not a curse.

The angle is awkard. It does not matter.

"But here I am" and she smiles then, all-teeth, pearlwhite. The sensation of her goes straight into his head. He feels light and carefree and he is still terrified of the very notion of rushing this - whatever - they have.  

He cannot say anything grandiose. He cannot, for the life of him, begin to unravel and murmur what he feels for her. But Sakura does not need grandiose, because when he tries to mutter and fails, she touches his cheeks, lightly and carefully.

He kisses the top of her head, because even in sitting he is slightly taller than her. Sakura looks up, expectant and smiling, like she did in Suna months ago, back when Kakashi has realized he wanted her. 

Her smile is not teasing, it is welcoming and patient. He wonders if she can hear his heartbeat as her palms move from his jaw to his chest, just above his heart, below and between the collarbones. He wonders if he feels his heart beating its cage at the sight of her face. 

And it seems Sakura might hear and know now, because she leans in again, and brushes his chin with the tip of her nose, careful. 

"Hey" she whispers, breathes. There is no other sound then, except their heartbeat, and he feels like fainting, the way she looks at him now. "I know. I know."

He places hands on her own, fingers grazing fingers and he leads her hands to the hem, the edge of his mask. Sakura stares, mesmerizes. Kakashi feels his mouth going dry, his own tongue heavy with something called desire as they peel off this shield, this hideaway he has kept up for years. It is the most intimate act either of them has ever witnessed or done.

The unveiling reveals a long, slightly bent nose, a wide mouth with some crooked teeth. All dimples, as he smiles and his scar dances with this movement, his whole face a dazzling, wondrous movement. Just at the left fold of his chin there is a beauty spot. He has some stubbles and he smells clean, clear, all too human and beautiful. He is beautiful.

Aaaand, she just said this out loud.

"Two of us then" he laughs. Sakura laughs too, a heavenly sound, and he feels so weak as she draws him in the bed with her, bringing his body onto her own. 

He envelopes her altogether.

"You are also bad influence."

"Am I now?" Another laugh from Sakura, but it feels breathless now, something that makes him greedy and a little too desperate for more. He feels possessive and reverent at the same time. Thinks it selfish.

"Am I hurting you?"

She shakes her head and turns their position, so Kakashi is under her now, the world upside down. It has never felt so right. 

And maybe because he is Kakashi and she is Sakura, and although they are both automatic at killing, they are slow and unsure at lovemaking, so they take their time to memorize this moment at the beginning of the day.

She kisses the patch of discolored skin at his jaw and he sighs while his fingers travels at her hips, his palms spreading around the curve of her belly. She tastes a bit like blood and medication and  almonds  - her kisses are intense, too much teeth and tongue, but it is so Sakura-like that it makes both of his eyes flutter at the sensation. He is already hard but this is no surprise either.

She has that intention and attention that makes him unravel and when he slips one long finger past the elastic of her underwear, the warmth and the wet he finds there makes them both moan. 

There is a confidence with which he meets her eyes and they converse nonverbally - _do you want this, do you want me, do you want me now, gods, yesyesyes_ \- and the way she inhales now is a sure signal that she enjoys how he slips another two fingers inside her. His black pants whisper and rustle in the silence just as she slips them from his waist. The white hospital shirt is two times larger than her size - it is easy to slide it a bit down so he can kiss her breasts.

He wants to smile - maybe crack a joke - but his mouth is full and her blunt nails cut onto his scalp and the pain and the pleasure merge like electricity. 

They take their time positioning - Kakashi asks, Sakura responds; they are open and shameless communicators after all - and her thighs are strong and sure when they are wrapped around his hips; a feeling so natural it is almost scary. And just as her legs are strong, so are her hands as she leads him to her entrance. She sinks, falls, gives in, and then he is inside of her; hot and content. His fingers find her waist and spine and he groans with pleasure. 

She swears. Or maybe it is him. 

The material of his shirt tousle when she clenches it by starting to move. She must like the way the wool touches and rubs at the skin of her breasts, he thinks, and is mesmerized how her hair chooses to dance across her temple and around her neck. He thinks of deities and says her name. 

They are in no hurry. Sakura is rocking back and forth like a mantra, like a prayer and he wants to brand this image, the image of her altar-like body into his eyes and brain as she bears her weight and her pleasure down on him. 

"Maybe you are tiring after all." he breathes. Her eyes are closed, lids heavy with passion. She sticks her tongue out as an answer. 

"Not my fault" she whispers, opens her eyes. Then arches her hips in a way that his whole body goes stiff and he almost comes then and there. 

He sits up in retaliation, and embraces her closely and carefully, so that there is not an inch separating them. It is a support of a kind, this framing of her body; she is magnificent in her unwinding. 

It could be him deciphering her, but Kakashi has seen through Sakura a long time ago just as she solved him a decade ago, not as a riddle, but as a poem, all loveliness, good deeds.

Some of the pink tint from her cheek travels downwards; toward her belly and in-between her thighs. She is getting close and when she fastens the pace, there is a pressure at the base of his back presaging his own orgasm. Her thrusts are haphazardous now, no true angles, but this incidental pain, yet again, comes with a jarring-searing like pleasure that makes him see double. 

Kakashi thinks, pull out, but Sakura clenches around him, arms around his neck, strong and decisive and he is hit with her pleasure, this unrelenting phenomenon, that makes him come and he empties himself in her. It is a trading of treasure; a purge, a cleansing, a confession. Pleasure comes in loud waves, white-hot thunders, the salt-sweat feels sweet in the valley of her breasts when he opens his mouth to taste her skin for what he fears will be the last time. He is a cynic, above all. Even in the greatest pleasures.

She is resting her head on his a bit after and he touches the damp fistful of magenta hair at the base of her neck, the one he always dreamt of before. The bed is very small, but he decides to roll himself all up around her afterwards.   
Sakura is the first to talk. She is braver than him, always.

"You better not think I did this in a fit of feverish instinct." She sounds sleepy and content. Peaceful. She is drawing tiny circles on his wrist. 

"Do you not care about Tsunade killing me in the morning?" he also feels in peace. Either way, Sakura will make a choice and he is either going to endure life as it is or be the happiest he has been for a long while. She shots him a look. The sun is up now, burning it is wake. The snow outside will melt in a week.

"She knows it would bother me a bit. Tsunade holds my interests close to her heart."

"Ah, a bit. So I have a chance after all."

"Chance?"

"To survive."

Sakura laughs. Kakashi remains serious and lowers his voice. He has to be brave too, now.

"But living might be better."

Sakura stops laughing. Her expression displays sudden shyness, as if he told her what she wanted to hear. He feels shy too, like an adolescent. In a certain way, in this case, in love, he feels lacking and sheepish.

Then Sakura, whom he has respected for years and loved for a while and may marry soon, looks up and says;

"What are the chances of living together?"

He kisses her knuckles that saved many lives, including his, and fought and conquered even more, again, including his, all victorious.

Answers lightly, all dimples:

"I would say the chances are great."


End file.
